Clean 'N Dirty Fun
by rhrshipper23
Summary: All Ron wanted for his birthday was to watch Hermione take a bath... but he'll get much more than that...


"I feel ridiculous," Hermione complained in a huff. "Can I please take this off?"

Ron shook his head, grinning as his wife plucked at the sodden Cannons' shirt plastered to her body. "It's my birthday and you look smashing, love."

Hermione arched an eyebrow. "It's not exactly commonplace to sit in a tub filled to the brim with water wearing clothing, Ronald."

"You're not _fully_ clothed, are you?" He asked pushing off from where he was leaning against the sink to perch on the rim of the tub. He skimmed a hand across the top of the water, parting the chocolate flavored bubbles that hid Hermione's submerged body from view. "Believe me, love, there's something decidedly sexy about the way that shirt clings to you."

"It's uncomfortable."

Ron grinned. "It's my birthday fantasy and you agreed," he reminded her. "Now go on…"

Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "You know, when you said that your fantasy was watching me take a bath, this wasn't what I had in mind."

"What _did_ you have in mind?"

"Cleanliness," she replied. "Soap bubbles, a candle or two, perhaps a little music from the wireless…not this, this chocolaty _mess _that's going to leave me sticky once I'm through.

"Believe me, love, by the time I get done with you all traces of chocolate bubbles will be long gone."

Hermione raised a challenging eyebrow. "Is that so?" She reached forward and tugged on his shirt. "Are you planning on joining me, then?"

Ron eyed the small tub, before shaking his head. "I'd rather watch for a while if you don't mind." He paused, smearing a patch of chocolate kissed skin on the side of her neck with his finger. "Blimey, this has to be one of the greatest ideas that he's ever come up with."

"Who?"

"George," Ron answered absently, as he drew his finger across the brown bubbles and brought them to his mouth.

"What's he done now?"

"Oh… the bubbles," he replied. "They're George's prototype for a new line of products for the shop, called 'Clean 'n Dirty Fun'.

"_WHAT?_" Hermione scrambled to her feet, sloshing water over the rim of the tub in her haste. "You tried out some _untested_ product of your _brother's_ on me?"

Ron, ignoring his now soaked trousers, held up his hands in defense as he carefully backed away from the tub and his irate wife, but it was too late. His favorite shirt sailed through the air and struck him in the face with a resounding 'thwomp'. "It's safe," was his muffled reply.

Hermione folded her arms across her chest. "Oh just like the time he passed around those 'Carefree Crumpets' at Victoire's birthday party and everyone wound up at St. Mungo's with orange, itchy skin."

Ron shrugged, carelessly dropping the shirt to the floor. "It _is_ my favorite color."

"I'm covered in this _stuff_," she shouted, bending down to unstop the drain in order to flush the brown, bubbly water away. "I need to wash it off."

"It's perfectly safe," Ron repeated, reaching a hand out to stop her. "Look I tested it out on myself just last week to make sure."

Hermione looked a little less angry at the news, and encouraged, he forged ahead.

"I love my brother, but I know firsthand that half of his new ideas turn out wonky," he said. "And I wasn't taking any chances with something happening to you. Well nothing bad anyway."

Hermione sighed. "So what _does_ this do? Besides make a mess."

Ron grinned as he led her back to the tub. "Well you see the bubbles really are made from chocolate. And so they're edible."

"Yes, but what has George _done_ to them," She stressed, allowing Ron to pull her onto his lap.

"Oh well he just modified them a bit," he explained. "Enhanced really…"

"You told me that this...this _product_...was safe," she said, pointedly. "Now safe to me means edible, chocolate bubbles that I could find at any reputable shop in Diagon Alley."

Ron snorted. "Love, I think you'd have to look through one of those mail away catalogues or visit one of the seedier shops on Knockturn Alley for those sorts of goods."

Hermione's eyes narrowed in suspicious. "And just what makes you the expert on this, Ronald. Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

"No," He quickly replied. "Absolutely not. But other blokes talk..."

"Do I know these _blokes_?"

He shook his head. "Not a one, love. Just some of the other Aurors in the department."

"And that issue of 'Wanton Witch' that I found in the shed after you came home today?" she prompted.

"A gag gift," Ron replied, cringing. "From Percy of all people...I honestly think he was under the Imperius the way he just marched into my office and dropped it on my desk, like it was one of his precious, bloody reports."

"You're changing the subject," Hermione said. "Now what about the bath bubbles?"

"Well you see they're charmed," he explained. "Personalized, specifically to react to my touch."

"Your touch?"

He nodded. "Yes and when I come into contact with the stuff, it sort of tingles."

"Ti—oh!"

Ron pulled back, a self satisfied smirk stretched across his chocolate covered lips.

Hermione absently touched the side of her neck where he kissed her. "That's remarkable."

He shrugged. "I thought so. Which is why I was so eager to get you in the tub."

"I see." Hermione slid off of his lap and kneeled on the tile floor between his legs. She tugged at his belt playfully, before unbuckling it and pulling it free from his trousers. "You might want to take these off. They're a bit wet."

Ron stood and undid the catch on his trousers, letting them fall to the floor. He stepped out of them and helped Hermione to stand. "Back in the tub then?"

Hermione smiled and nodded. "But you're joining me this time."

Ron quickly pulled his shirt over his head and reached for his boxers, but she batted his hands away. "Those stay on," she told him.

Ron looked affronted as Hermione stepped into tub and sank into the murky water before crooking a beckoning finger at him. He glanced at his orange boxers and then at his naked wife and did the only thing that made sense. He stepped into the tub, boxers and all. "This feels gross."

"I've been trying to tell you that." Hermione maneuvered them around so that Ron lay across the length of the tub and she perched on his lap. "You know what they say about paybacks, love."

"Let me take them off," he begged her, groaning as she ground her hips against him in response.

"You didn't let me take the shirt off," she reminded him. "There's something so sexy about the way your boxers cling to you."

"Very funny," He replied, rolling his eyes.

Hermione leaned in close, trailing a line of kisses up his neck then nibbled his ear. "I have a confession to make," she whispered.

Ron's arms wrapped around her, pulling her against his body. "Hmm?"

Hermione lifted her head, then reached behind the tub and pulled out a small glass jar.

"What's that?"

She sat back and twisted off the lid, releasing the sweet rich scent of chocolate into the air. "George came to see me the day before last… said he had the perfect present for your birthday; Part of his new collection of 'Clean 'n Dirty Fun' personal enjoyment products.

"You _knew_?" Ron asked, shocked by the turn of events. "B-But you got upset and…and…"

"I needed a distraction," Hermione cut in smoothly. "I asked you to join me in the tub and you wouldn't, so I had to improvise a little." She poured out a small blob of syrupy chocolate and spread a line across his chest. "This is the body paint proto-type…I had it charmed to recognize my touch," she explained before ducking her head and licking it off his skin. "And yours."

Ron moaned in response, as the tingling feeling was much more intense with the body paint than with the bubbles. "Bloody hell, that's amazing!"

"I knew you'd like it. However, I do believe that your fantasy was to watch _me_ bathe." She slid down to straddle his legs, scooping up a handful of the body paint from the jar. She handed it to Ron and motioned for him to place it back on the floor as she distributed the paint between her hands.

Ron waited anxiously for her to spread it over her body.

Hermione drew a single fingertip down from her chin to her navel. Ron lunged forward, but she held out a hand. "Nu uh, you didn't want to participate before. You wanted to watch. So you'll have to sit there and wait until I'm done."

Ron pouted, but relaxed against the back of the tub. "It's my present. And I reserve the right to change my mind."

Hermione wagged a chocolate covered finger at him. "You move one muscle and I'll stop, rinse and retire to the bedroom...to read a book."

"Will you be reading naked, love?" He inquired with a smirk. "_Hogwarts, a History_ perhaps? Come to think of it, watching you read naked is a turn on."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't tempt me, Ronald." She shifted higher onto his lap and he groaned in response. "Problem?"

"N-No," he stammered, biting his lower lip.

"Now where was I?" Hermione asked, circling her navel playfully.

"You're killing me," Ron whined, impatiently bucking his hips.

"Patience is a virtue," she countered, reaching forward to trace his lips with her finger. She gasped as he pulled the coated digit into his mouth; then moaned when a flush of heat spread across her skin as he gently scraped the sensitive skin with his teeth. "Behave."

"Oh, I promise to be good," Ron replied smugly, surging forward to trace the line of chocolate with his tongue. He smiled against Hermione's skin as she threaded her fingers through his hair and pulled him closer instead of pushing him away. "Very good."

"Not yet," Hermione moaned, even as her traitorous hands started to roam restlessly across his back. She swallowed hard, her breathing hitching in response to the heightened pleasure the chocolate and his mouth were bringing her.

"Don't think so," Ron mumbled against her skin, as he lifted his hips up and tried to shimmy out of his shorts.

"W-Wait," she cried out, reaching down to grab at the waistband of his boxers.

"Hermione," he whined, pressing his forehead against her shoulder. "I'm harder than one of Hagrid's rock cakes here. Is there a reason that you're bent on torturing me like this?"

Hermione's smile slipped and she sat back on her heels. "You're right," she said at length.

Ron looked up, surprised. "I am?"

Hermione nodded. "All you wanted was to watch me bathe. Wearing clothing, mind you, but bathing nonetheless. I was the one who wanted to change things." She cupped his cheek in her hand and leaned forward, kissing him tenderly. "It _Is _your birthday and I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Ron insisted. "You were trying to surprise me. I'm the one who should be sorry."

"How about we both agree to be sorry and move on," Hermione suggested. Ron grinned and nodded his head in agreement. "I have one more surprise to show you."

"Yeah?"

Hermione once again reached behind him and pulled out another small jar. She twisted the cap off, releasing the pleasing scent of minty chocolate into the air. "This is Clean 'N Dirty Fun's dirtiest product, called "FroLick'n Fun"."

"Looks amazing," Ron said, as she dipped her finger into the fudge and offered him a taste. He pulled her finger into his mouth and swirled his tongue over the fudge, moaning at burst of pleasure it brought forth. "Brilliant!"

"That's not all," Hermione said. "It actually warms on contact…and it's waterproof." She swiped her thumb over a submerged nipple and waited a moment. "How's that feel?"

"It's….oh fuck," Ron groaned, as the body paint started to harden around the sensitive bud. "George is a genius!"

"That's what I thought," Hermione agreed, scooping out a fair amount of the thick fudge.

Ron watched, transfixed, as she painted his other nipple with the product. He bit his lip as it hardened, sending a rush of heat to parts south, the cool water in the tub doing nothing to alleviate the tension he felt thrumming throughout his body. He nearly cried out as she traced the shape of a heart over his chest, before leaving a trail of fudge down his sternum to circle his navel. He waited with bated breath as she rubbed her hands together, thoroughly coating them with the fudge. And when she slipped them under the elastic of his shorts, he stopped breathing all together. "Urk."

"By the way," Hermione said conversationally, ignoring his sudden stillness. "Percy wasn't Imperiused when he gave you the dirty magazine at your office. It was all part of the fun… in fact, it was his idea. George was impressed."

"Hermione, please don't talk about my brothers when your hand is inside my shorts," Ron begged breathlessly, grasping onto the sides of the tub with a death grip.

"How does that feel?" Hermione asked, as her hand started to stroke him in earnest.

Ron was going to pass out, he was sure of it. He couldn't hear beyond the sound of his rapidly beating heart roaring between his ears. "Oh! F-Fuck!" He pulled weakly at Hermione's hand. "S-Stop, I can't take it… I'm going to come!"

"It's okay."

"B-But," Ron protested. After all, his initial birthday plans called for definite shagging….not getting jerked off, partially clothed in a tub full of chocolate. "I wanted t-t-to….," his words were cut off abruptly as the tension crested and he couldn't help himself. "Shit!"

Hermione fought hard against smiling as Ron stiffened and hugged her close to his body before collapsing against the back of the tub, boneless and panting. "It's all right," she said gently, pressing a kiss to his forehead as she removed her hand from his shorts. "There's something that I forgot to tell you about the fudge."

"Another surprise?" Ron asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow.

Hermione nodded. "It's mixed with a rejuvenation potion."

"And that means?"

"It means," Hermione explained, gently grinding herself against him, "that you'll be ready for another round of fun in just a few minutes."

"Really?" Ron asked in disbelief. As excited as he was at the prospect, his body was clearly beyond tuckered out at the moment.

"Mhmm," Hermione replied. "All that's needed to activate it…is me."

"You?"

"The fudge is charmed to recognize our touch," she told him, "Just like the bubbles and body paint. It's called FroLickn' for a reason."

"It's called…" Ron trailed off, his eyes darting down to his tented shorts and then up to rest on Hermione's lips. "Bloody hell."

"That said, how about we take this to the bedroom?" Hermione suggested with a seductive smile. "I really don't fancy drowning."

Ron nearly leapt from the tub, eagerly pulling Hermione up with him. "Best present ever," he declared happily, snatching the small bottle from the floor. "Will it work on you? You know…the same way?"

"It should," Hermione replied absently, as she wrapped her hair in a towel. She looked up to find Ron staring at her lasciviously. "Oh!"

"Paybacks, love," Ron promised, as he scooped her up into his arms and carried her out of the bathroom. He shouldered his way into the bedroom and kicked the door closed behind them, crossing the room and playfully deposited Hermione onto the bed.

"Come here," Hermione beckoned, sliding to sit at the edge of the mattress. She pulled Ron close and tugged at the waistband of his boxers, carefully slipping the sodden fabric down his legs. She couldn't contain her laughter as Ron stood before her, expertly wrapped in chocolate. "Is this my present or yours?" She wondered aloud.

"Mine, but I don't mind sharing," Ron answered, stepping free of the material and moved to join her on the bed. "This is going to be messy. Brilliant, but messy." He opened the jar of fudge and dipped his finger inside. Grinning deviously, he began to trace the curves that he loved so much.

"There's just one think that I'm curious about," Hermione said, sighing as his lips began to follow the path that his finger was making.

"What's that love?"

"Earlier, when you were assuring me the chocolate bubbles were safe to use," Hermione said, her voice full of mirth, "You said you'd tested it on _yourself _to be sure." Lifting his chin with a sticky finger she continued, "Exactly _how _did you accomplish that?"

"Erm…"


End file.
